Hey, it's February. V-day has come and passed. March is a day off. Happy leap year everyone.

My artistic vibe has been nonexistent for a while. Just slogging through the daily grind, and if all goes well I'm moving to AL in April. Hell, I'll probably go if all doesn't go well too.

So just saying hello, being that it's been such a long interval since posting anything. I don't have anything long-winded to say, no angst to drop on anyone.. and all I've really got is that picture of the sky and a powerpoint presentation to work on for work. So, toodles for now.

Hey, look, it's been five months. Somehow I manage to update every four to five months to the people that are still around. Folks I don't get to talk to much (at all?), or have lost touch with *yawn*. Hey, seven in the morning. Hooray for days off. Well, since my last posting I've gone through a couple of jobs.

I'm currently employed about two months as a pizza delivery driver. I've also caused much chaos. I love being me sometimes. And my co-workers are a bad influence. I'll worry about posting up what I did later. Just saying hello, for now, and hey... for old friends, and others still watching me... I hope to have something posted soonish art-wise. Maybe poke at a project of mine.

(See my last journal entry. How soon things change.. well, I lasted a few months...)

Ah, customer service. It's my job. Every day at work. I work at Costco, you see. I'm a Demo Man. No, not Demolition. Demonstration. Alright, fuck it. I'm like one of those little old ladies that stands behind a red checkerboard table and hands you some kind of foodstuff with a cheerful smile and a sales pitch that'd make a door-to-door slaesman get a hardon. And we don't even get paid that much for it. $9 an hour, no comission, no bonus pay for Sunday. Six hour shift of standing in one spot passing out food to an uncaring populace that may only be mildly fascinated with how all natural or organic (or completely opposite of that) that it may be. From microwave chicken chow mein, to health food bars, to 'Go-Gurt', to taquitos, to hot cappucinno to jelly beans. We do it all. can't tell you how many ravioli have gone through our store... But it's great. I take shit every day. I give people my smile while they come to my table and take my food, 80% of the time without a 'thanks' or even an acknowledgement that I exist.

Oh, right. Small talk. Yes, I hate it. "How are you doing?" "Fine. Yourself?" "Pretty good." "Cool. Have a good one." "You too." And that's the extent of the conversation. Maddox (maddox.xmission.com) has elaborated much more on this but I take his stance. If you're going to ask someone about their day, be sincere. We ARE, as a society, drugged up, depressed, uncaring and unable to make connections with the rest of our fellow man. And most of us don't give a shit to anyway. I refuse to ask someone about their day now unless I'm actually feeling good. And even then I won't ask. If someone asks me, I'll tell them in nonambiguous terms how fucking miserable I am. "How's it going?" "Good. Yourself?" "Horrible." "...oh..." Damn straight. I did that on Monday. Someone actually said "At least you're honest." That's right. Honesty. Something else severely lacking. I wonder how many of my product boxes really are that good. Had one that was supposed to be all natural and stuff and one of the ingredients was 'Flavor' ... lovely. And it was apparently certified organic flavor. Vegan friendly. 100% Kosher. ..not that the bars weren't tasty... I mean it was birdseed held together with agave syrup as far as I'm concerned but it was edible and flavorful.

This probably moreso belongs in my blog, but fuck blogs. And blags. (for you XKCD readers out there. [link] which is actually a clever, intelligent webcomic with minimalist artwork)

This is a rant, and I want everyone to see it. Not that it won't get drowned out in various amounts of spam.

So is there anyone out there currently hiring that's looking for someone that can take an enourmous amount of shit every day and keep going, only to vent on some interent art wobsite? Look me up.

I'm going to start being honest more often, as often as I can, or simple stay quiet. Likely a lot more of the latter. I don't like talking. Fucking humanity...

Hah! Nope, not anymore. Not looking right now, either. Finally got a job. Not the most glamorous but it'll be fun as hell... Going to be giving out those samples to people at Costco. That's right. I'll be a demo man. Hahahahaa. Yes, I'm happy, and insane... as always. Feedback.... stuff... welcome... yarr.

break·down
n.
1. The act or process of failing to function or continue.
2. The condition resulting from this: a breakdown in communication.
2. Electricity. The abrupt failure of an insulator or insulating medium to restrict the flow of current.
3. A typically sudden collapse in physical or mental health.
4. An analysis, an outline, or a summary consisting of itemized data or essentials.
5. Disintegration or decomposition into parts or elements.
6. A noisy, energetic American country dance.

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and...



Right, now that that's out of my system. You ever feel like total ass and then something finally snaps and instead of going for the knife, something in your head says "Hey, fuck that shit." ?

Well, I've been at the bottom of the barrel, and I've pulled a blade a few times over the past few years. Never got it to the skin, though, something's in my head that's loaded with failsafes... Anyway, last week was one of those weeks. I never actually went for any instruments of pain but I was certainly considering it. Yep, total shutdown, depressed like a fish without a rock or some shit... The analogies don't mean anything. Why am I writing this? I don't much have an outlet online or otherwise, I don't have a Live journal, a Dead journal, a Xanga, and I don't ever update my Myspace. (ironweasel)

So, I'm putting it here for anyone that'd like to hear it, and comment, and hey, HI! Right, so my breakdown... you can tell I'm feeling a lot better, and no, no pills or counseling.


Breakdown. I felt like hell. I've been hunting for a job since I moved back here, mid-February (15th). I haven't had any luck, and I've been feeling all around useless. My grandmother is like, a saint to the locals, she's in so many groups and she's the glue that's keeping ships afloat. So it's completely amplifiying my state of "I am completely useless, nobody needs me." I've got this complex, I think, that requires me to be.. needed... and I know some people need me, and I'm aware, but it doesn't CLICK, you know? Call it a pity party, invitation only.

It was a cry for help. I was falling apart, and even further in my online life (EVE, WoW) I was feeling it due to not fitting in or having a place within my Corp that I could DO anything specifically. It carried over, amplified, and for most of the week I felt like hell. Then something clicked.

I could do -anything-. I didn't fit a single role, a single place. But I had the skills necessary to take up, if need be, any slack elsewhere. I might not be an expert but I can damn well make up for it. And with that odd revelation, of being able to be a jack of all trades in the game. that it applied to me, personally. That.I don't have to be needed. I'm not suited, not yet, for a specific role. I'm restless because I can't sit and do any single thing but I can do a hell of a lot of things.

So, applied mentality, poked myself in the noggin... Not sure how it even worked, but hey, don't question it. I think it's just a case of "Gimme attention! gimme gimme gimme! LOVE MEEEEEE!" ...yeah. Guess it takes a lot to get over that kind of thing. At least, personally, without any outside help. So, I'm good.

I'm still trying to be the go-to guy for my friends when they have problems... I can't get enough, apparently. Letting big pieces of myself go for the sake of others. Ah well... It's all I've got.

I submitted some more applications, trying to kick the ass of my local Gamestop into hiring me and had a very scary interview at the local grocery store that I hope will lead to some form of employment, even if I've gotta wash dishes. But, that's pretty much it.... I don't update much and even this is old news. Probably just a lot of confused ramblings.

"That's all that matters. Is we try. We give it our all. Can't all be like Yoda and DO it... there's room for a stumble here and there. We're not trying to save the galaxy.Just trying to save ourselves."

And I leave you with Apocalyptica's "Life Burns" And this. GO: [link]

We break our enemies within, and
we've seen how the tears come around
We've built our confidence on wasteland
We've seen how the walls come down

Life burns

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
We pray it would last

Life burns

We have no sympathy for the lost souls
we've chosen the path of disgrace
We give this life to our children
and teach them to hate this place

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
We pray it would last